Happy Little Ghosts

1. I have two posts that I've written but I never hit "Publish" because they are about my condition and they seemed like total downers.  One was even entitled "On Being A Debbie Downer".

Here's the thing: I need to start working with my therapist on accepting this new reality.  It isn't going away.  Medication isn't going to fix it all.  I'm going to be a hot mess some days.  I'm going to have good days.  That's called life, amiright?

2. My therapist cancelled on me today, which I'm 99% okay with.  I've got another appt scheduled on the 26th.

3. I'm doing okay.  I'm not amazing, but I'm not in the pits.  I'm working every day to try to be better.  I read my devotionals, try to eat well, do my little meditations, try to be kind to myself, take my meds.  I need to get exercise on my schedule but it falls under the category of Impossible Task so I only get to it about once per week.  And I can't examine why I'm having trouble with exercise too closely because that just leads into a deep pit of "I suck" and I don't need that part of my brain waking up and start talking. 

4. I've finished the first book and I'm working on my second.  Already 36 pages into it.  Another big thank you to those of you who read it.  Keeping fingers crossed that it gets picked up by somebody.  And if not, figure out a way to get it in print. 

5. Parenting is HARD.  I was in a sour mood yesterday and was snapping at G and at one point she just broke down and expressed that she was a bad girl.  Heartbreaking, and I'm the one who did it.  So we had a good talk about how she's a good girl and me being a jerk doesn't mean she's a bad person.  It means I'm being a jerk.  And I'll work on it.  And I can't think too closely on this either other than consciously being more patient otherwise I start down the horrid path of "I'm a horrible mother" and that pit is even more devastating than the "I suck" pit. 

6.  That's basically what I'm doing right now: avoiding.  I'm avoiding situations that make me vulnerable to negative thoughts.  I can't watch the news, I have to be careful on my FB feed, I have to be careful on what kind of media I consume because it all directly translates into my mood.   It's like a mood diet.  If I consume too much junk, my brain fails me.  If it is too horrible and negative and sad, then I too become horrible and negative and sad.  Another reason to keep seeing my therapist, right?

7. I've already considered making this a ghost of a post and just hitting save instead of publish.  Because I still come from a place of shame and I feel like I've gone back into hiding again.  I'm pretending that this summer didn't happen because I don't want to admit it did happen.  So I guess doing little posts like this and actually hitting publish is a way for me to confess.  Put this dark little part of me out into the world so I cannot deny it exists.  It exists and it haunts me. 

8. But then I'm all like: maybe it can be a happy little ghost like Casper and it doesn't have to be all gloom and doom.  I know being haunted isn't supposed to be this fun little adventure, but what if we did make it a fun little adventure?  What if the ghost of my dark self was hugged and welcomed and acknowledged?  Then I wouldn't feel like I'd have to hide anymore.  I wouldn't have to be ashamed anymore. 

Hi.  This is my dark self.  Let's call her Dori.  She exists.  And she needs a hug.