When you are in the moment, it is hard to imagine anything more heart wrenching than holding your child when she cries about being bullied. What is more heart wrenching? Knowing it is your fault.
I've gone through life with my fair share of bullies. Sometimes it was because I was flat out weird. But most of the time it was my size.
Even when I wasn't even heavy, I considered myself fat and some of my peers agreed. They agreed so vehemently that they decided to remind me of my size, especially during gym class. Later in life, in my 30's, I was actually mooed at. Seriously. And it sucked being made fun of because of my looks.
However. One of the glorious parts of being 41 is that you just don't give a shart about what people think of you anymore. Yes, I'm fat. I have blue eyes, brown (going silver!) hair, and I am medically defined as being morbidly obese. I try to remedy that diagnosis because of the health ramifications and not out of vanity. I strive to be a good person and, most of the time, I succeed.
What I never considered was the consequences nailing my daughter right through the heart.
As she curled up on my lap and sobbed, she told me that two boys at her school made fun of her. Because her mom was fat. I soothed her, not upset at first. Just wanted to take the sting away from the word for her. Being fat isn't bad. It's okay that I'm fat. It doesn't matter what they said about me. I don't care what they think about me.
"But, Mom," she cried. "I care."
She hated that they made fun of me, and that's when my heart broke a bit. Holy shit: she's getting bullied because I'm fat. And she feels that she needs to defend me.
The bullying didn't end with my sudden onset of self esteem in my late 30's. She suffers because the bullies still know how to hurt.
I showed G my pillar of strength and she followed my example, which is the good part.
But what I didn't show is that my pillar of strength is hollow.
I am devastated. I'm devastated that my body gave bullies fuel to hurt my daughter. Before this event, I was happy to volunteer in her classroom and for Girl Scouts.
Then last Friday came. It was the annual fundraiser for the school, a carnival. I was going to take her but I kept getting waves of high anxiety over the event. I tried to pinpoint the source of my anxiety. Is it the noise level? Too many people? Should I try to fight and muscle through so she could have a good time?
When we spent that night curled up on the couch, watching a movie together, it hit me: I didn't want those boys to see me. I didn't want any of her peers to see me. To see me would mean they get fuel to tease my girl.
I was not brave. I hid. From 8 year olds.
I know I should stand proud of who I am and who I look like. But it is really hard to do so when me standing proud hurts my kid. It's hard to enjoy my hard won self esteem when kids are weaponizing it against my kid.
Where do I go from here? I have no idea. Absolutely no idea. I try to teach to her about bullying, how true friends are supposed to treat her (girls already being mean is rampant at this age. Freakin' tragic, that's what that is), how not to be a bully herself. I genuinely don't think about my size outside of that school. I go to the library, the doctor, Target and march in all my plus sized beauty.
But not the school. Not yet. My confidence there is shattered. It'll be awhile before I'm comfortable with that again. Comfortable with my ass being a target for kids to target G.
Until then...Momma is staying home.
And that's sad.
I hate that both, you and Grace, have to go through this. I think everyone has been bullied at some point in there lives, it blows but it is reality. My heart aches for you both. I wish I had some good advice but unfortunately I don't. But I agree with Dave do it in front of me and look out
ReplyDeleteI love you, Mama Bear XOXO
DeleteWhen Ella was 9, we went tot the doctor because she was having ankle pain. Her (now former) pediatrician told her that it would stop hurting if she lost weight. A doctor told my nine year old daughter (who is very tall and big but definitely not heavy) that all her physical pains are due to her weight. I saw red, but I was also so flabbergasted that I didn’t know what to say until the appointment was over. Being overweight myself, I have always been bullied for my size (although I think my height mitigates that somewhat). So right after that appointment I had a long conversation with my daughter about how what the doctor did is wrong, about how anyone who makes fun of or judges someone else because of their weight, skin color, ability level, who they love, or who they are is always going to be in the wrong. I also spent some time talking to her about how she could be an upstander, or someone who speaks out and helps those who are teased and bullied. Lastly we talked about how when people tease others, what they are really doing is showing their own insecurities and fears. So when someone teases you about your weight or height or clothes, they are really showing how they are insecure about themselves in those areas. Truly a ‘it’s not me, it’s you’ reframe. It helped Ella, and now we are doing the same with Gabe as he is dealing with dyslexia and ADHD. It’s not a panacea, but the reframe about how bullies do what they do because they are talking about their own fears and insecurities at least Gabe my kids a little peace of mind and they didn’t take it to heart as much. You need to do what you need to do for your own mental health, but when Ella’s classmates say anything about how I dress or what I look like, I respond with “yes, I am overweight - but so what?” They get all deer in headlights and then they stop. Hopefully it changes their behavior.
ReplyDeleteI forgot about the reframing. Dave and I were talking about it over lunch and he also mentioned that bullies often come from places of hurt, that the bullying is a reflection of how they are feeling inside.
DeleteI've been there, so flabbergasted that I didn't know what to say until the moment was way over. Very frustrating.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It's great advice to follow.