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What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

Once upon a time, there was a young girl with her whole life ahead of her.  She dreamed about what she would be when she grew up.  An actress?  Writer?  Marine biologist? 

And what did she become by the time she grew up?

Who knows?  She is still waiting to grow up.

I find myself still unemployed, still battling my illness, still leaning out the window squinting into the far distance searching for meaning in this world.  Still searching for what I'm supposed to be when I grow up. 

It pains me to think of all the years I spent being something I really am not.  I should have kept the geology deal to a fervent hobby instead of a career.  While I don't wish to go back in time to change my life (because my life lead me to Gracie), I do wonder why I made the choices I made in life.  Why did I choose St. Norbert for math instead of Knox College for writing?  Why did I choose grad school instead of a lucrative entry level position with the USGS down in Florida?  Why did I choose UW-Milwaukee for my Masters in geology instead of Indiana State for acting?

The answer is hard to admit: because it was the easy way, the path of least resistance.  I chose St. Norbert because my brother went there and my aunt and uncle lived nearby.  I chose grad school over the USGS because I was scared of living so far away from my family.  I chose UW-Milwaukee because it was familiar and easy. 

Yet because these choices led me to Dave and Grace, I can't regret them.  But I can learn from them.

I don't want to be an environmental professional anymore if it means travelling.  I just don't.  So I'm not going to make that mistake again.

But where does that leave me?  With a desire to keep on writing, even when the content isn't the best.  As my husband put it, the world renown artists out there didn't become successful overnight.  The Edge of U2 didn't pick up a guitar one day and played like a god. 

I did want to become a writer once upon a time.  I wrote feverishly in my teens into my 20's, but I never finished anything.  I didn't get serious about it.  I turned down Knox College and their writing program for the easy way through life.

Now is my chance.

I spend my days sitting on my couch, punching the keyboard on my second book.  Some days I am uninspired and just stare at my dogs.  But I think what I need to remember is that I'm not going to become an overnight success.  I'm raw metal that needs to be molded and sharpened into a fine blade.  It will take time.  It will be hard. 

I'm not taking the easy way out this time.  I'm terrified, but I'm present.  So let's take the harder path this time, shall we?


Comments

  1. yo mamaNovember 29, 2018 at 1:46 PM

    You got this, hard path or not, you got this!

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownNovember 30, 2018 at 6:44 AM

    You are definitely not alone in feeling this...scary and sometimes painful growing up. Thanks for being my Inspiration sister!

    ReplyDelete

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