As promised, this is a post about a cruise, but it is not the cruise that you may expect.
No, my friends. For if you are to appreciate the magnitude of this recent cruise, you must first get a little bit of backstory. People who have known me 20 years knows this story, for it has been told during the decades and has likely passed into legend. A legend of threats of fire, burning hot pipes, AA meetings, and an unfortunate encounter with the wrong side of a very large bird. Or was it a mammal?
What could all these things have in common? Two words: Caribbean cruise.
Let me take you to circa 2001, when my sister and I were fresh buds of young flowering women, waiting to bloom under the warm sun of life and the nourishment of experience. With the backing of our loving parents, we were offered the opportunity to sail through some early life tribulations with a nice cruise in the Caribbean, wile away our time sipping daiquiri's, gorge on the main buffet, horseback ride through Mayan ruins, and swim with dolphins all on the jewel of the Norwegian cruise line fleet. Oh yes, it was going to be SA-WEEEET.
Our first red flag from the Lord came months before the scheduled departure when a Norwegian cruise ship was reported to list aggressively to the starboard side, sending passengers flailing with a few of them breaking bones.
Next red flag of the good Lord trying to wave His hands going, "DON'T GO" was one of us (me I think?) was missing an original birth certificate. We realized this at 4:30 on a Friday afternoon coming into a holiday weekend with us leaving on Monday. Trying to find a notary on such short notice was nothing less than a miracle, or as I like to put it, the Lord saying, "Ok, I warned you guys. Fine. Go on your "cruise."" God is God, so if He wants to be sassy, the Dude can be sassy, alright? Alright.
Third crimson flag was the ship itself. Described as the jewel of the fleet where celebrities over the ages walked its luxurious decks for decades, imagine our surprise when we discovered the ship was indeed lux ... by 1970's standards. It was just a very tired looking ship with the most renovations likely done in the early 80's. But surely it was purely cosmetic! Our quarters were going to be amazing!
Having never been on a cruise ship until that time, we did not know what to expect. But we certainly had no idea that our cabin would be smaller than a prison cell with nothing but a single bed, a desk, and the world's tiniest bathroom. But hey, at least we had a place to sleep and the bunk stuck in the ceiling! We'll figure this out. Let's go to the drill and get some drinks yo!
So we did. Got into some Caribbean gear, kicked up on some chaise lounges on the back of the ship, got some daiquiri's and awaited out departure.
And waited.
And waited.
An hour and a half later and already 2 daiquiri's in each, we heard the announcement from our dour Irish ship captain: "Due to a surprise fire inspection, the ship was cited with 124 fire violations and would not be leaving tonight. However, we do believe we can have these buttoned up and shove off tomorrow for a full itinerary! Hang in there, and have $200 ship board credit for your troubles."
Yay, a delayed departure with $200 to blow! Awesome!
Only not awesome. Can't spend it until we are in international waters and the dock at Miami does not count. Still in the States. Oh. Okay.
So off to bed we go. Somehow the crew got the bed down and I still can't remember who slept on what. What I do remember is my poor sister and the encounter with the shower pipes.
Amy, my sister, is much smaller than me. Always has been a miniature version of me. This is important, because I don't want you to imagine my big ass maneuvering in this shower. This is a fit young woman who, while bending over to nab some soap, backed her tiny butt into the pipes and burned herself. The yelp was frantic and loud. I'd like to take some creative story telling liberties and say that I leaped out of my bunk and ran to see what was the matter. Alas, I cannot remember. So let's just assume that I was concerned and not laughing at all.
The next morning was about as swift as the first. Still at the dock, still watching other cruise ships leave, still drinking daiquiri's, which were now free because we weren't going to leave today but maybe tonight! So hey, peeps, alcohol on us and for you people from AA celebrating your sobriety? Sorry about that and be sure to attend the emergency meeting commencing now on deck C.
And while in Miami, why not enjoy what Miami has to offer while we wait to make the ship seaworthy? They decided to ship the increasingly pissed off vacationers either to the local mall or to the local zoo. Obviously, we opted for the more exotic Miami zoo. I mean, I'd rather walk around something else other than the decks of the ship over and over and over, even with the free daiquiri's.
Ah, the Miami zoo. Full of lovely creatures of all kinds, big and small. But our excursion ended rather abruptly while attending the crocodile feeding. The zoo person was dangling raw chicken to entice the croc to dance a jig when I felt a giant plop on my head, followed by the dripping of something not entirely unlike baby shit over my eyes. Yes, dear readers: a large animal took a shit on my head. What followed was gasps of horror from nearby witnesses, the covering of children's eyes, and the partially swallowed laughter of my dear sister. We left the area, tried to clean me up with paper towels (it did not work), and then quickly got back onto the bus. The stench was... quite ripe during the ride home back to ship sweet ship, and then it was my turn in the treacherous shower.
We called our parents on the landline in our room that evening, uncertain of when we would leave. The moment we hung up that phone, the saddest Irish ship captain in the history of sad Irish ship captains announced that the cruise had been cancelled. Then the phones went down.
This was back in the good ol' days when there were no cell phones, let alone smart phones and prolific laptops. I had to stand in line for over an hour to get to the computer lab to email my parents the unfortunate scoop: cruise cancelled and we are coming home the next day.
We are lucky that my parents got their money back and that for us, we took no vacation and did not make huge plans around our lives to make this happen. We felt awful for honeymooners, for the people who took time off of work to make this trip happen, and those poor recovering alcoholics who had to face the ultimate test of a fully open and unsupervised bar while trying to celebrate sobriety.
And so ended my first attempt at cruising. I've long waited for the day to report on a cruise that successfully left a dock and actually went somewhere other than the port. 20 years I've waited!
So how was my Alaskan cruise? I will tell you this: we did actually leave Vancouver on the cruise ship without incident. Stay tuned in the coming days for that report!
No, my friends. For if you are to appreciate the magnitude of this recent cruise, you must first get a little bit of backstory. People who have known me 20 years knows this story, for it has been told during the decades and has likely passed into legend. A legend of threats of fire, burning hot pipes, AA meetings, and an unfortunate encounter with the wrong side of a very large bird. Or was it a mammal?
What could all these things have in common? Two words: Caribbean cruise.
Let me take you to circa 2001, when my sister and I were fresh buds of young flowering women, waiting to bloom under the warm sun of life and the nourishment of experience. With the backing of our loving parents, we were offered the opportunity to sail through some early life tribulations with a nice cruise in the Caribbean, wile away our time sipping daiquiri's, gorge on the main buffet, horseback ride through Mayan ruins, and swim with dolphins all on the jewel of the Norwegian cruise line fleet. Oh yes, it was going to be SA-WEEEET.
Our first red flag from the Lord came months before the scheduled departure when a Norwegian cruise ship was reported to list aggressively to the starboard side, sending passengers flailing with a few of them breaking bones.
Next red flag of the good Lord trying to wave His hands going, "DON'T GO" was one of us (me I think?) was missing an original birth certificate. We realized this at 4:30 on a Friday afternoon coming into a holiday weekend with us leaving on Monday. Trying to find a notary on such short notice was nothing less than a miracle, or as I like to put it, the Lord saying, "Ok, I warned you guys. Fine. Go on your "cruise."" God is God, so if He wants to be sassy, the Dude can be sassy, alright? Alright.
Third crimson flag was the ship itself. Described as the jewel of the fleet where celebrities over the ages walked its luxurious decks for decades, imagine our surprise when we discovered the ship was indeed lux ... by 1970's standards. It was just a very tired looking ship with the most renovations likely done in the early 80's. But surely it was purely cosmetic! Our quarters were going to be amazing!
Having never been on a cruise ship until that time, we did not know what to expect. But we certainly had no idea that our cabin would be smaller than a prison cell with nothing but a single bed, a desk, and the world's tiniest bathroom. But hey, at least we had a place to sleep and the bunk stuck in the ceiling! We'll figure this out. Let's go to the drill and get some drinks yo!
So we did. Got into some Caribbean gear, kicked up on some chaise lounges on the back of the ship, got some daiquiri's and awaited out departure.
And waited.
And waited.
An hour and a half later and already 2 daiquiri's in each, we heard the announcement from our dour Irish ship captain: "Due to a surprise fire inspection, the ship was cited with 124 fire violations and would not be leaving tonight. However, we do believe we can have these buttoned up and shove off tomorrow for a full itinerary! Hang in there, and have $200 ship board credit for your troubles."
Yay, a delayed departure with $200 to blow! Awesome!
Only not awesome. Can't spend it until we are in international waters and the dock at Miami does not count. Still in the States. Oh. Okay.
So off to bed we go. Somehow the crew got the bed down and I still can't remember who slept on what. What I do remember is my poor sister and the encounter with the shower pipes.
Amy, my sister, is much smaller than me. Always has been a miniature version of me. This is important, because I don't want you to imagine my big ass maneuvering in this shower. This is a fit young woman who, while bending over to nab some soap, backed her tiny butt into the pipes and burned herself. The yelp was frantic and loud. I'd like to take some creative story telling liberties and say that I leaped out of my bunk and ran to see what was the matter. Alas, I cannot remember. So let's just assume that I was concerned and not laughing at all.
The next morning was about as swift as the first. Still at the dock, still watching other cruise ships leave, still drinking daiquiri's, which were now free because we weren't going to leave today but maybe tonight! So hey, peeps, alcohol on us and for you people from AA celebrating your sobriety? Sorry about that and be sure to attend the emergency meeting commencing now on deck C.
And while in Miami, why not enjoy what Miami has to offer while we wait to make the ship seaworthy? They decided to ship the increasingly pissed off vacationers either to the local mall or to the local zoo. Obviously, we opted for the more exotic Miami zoo. I mean, I'd rather walk around something else other than the decks of the ship over and over and over, even with the free daiquiri's.
Ah, the Miami zoo. Full of lovely creatures of all kinds, big and small. But our excursion ended rather abruptly while attending the crocodile feeding. The zoo person was dangling raw chicken to entice the croc to dance a jig when I felt a giant plop on my head, followed by the dripping of something not entirely unlike baby shit over my eyes. Yes, dear readers: a large animal took a shit on my head. What followed was gasps of horror from nearby witnesses, the covering of children's eyes, and the partially swallowed laughter of my dear sister. We left the area, tried to clean me up with paper towels (it did not work), and then quickly got back onto the bus. The stench was... quite ripe during the ride home back to ship sweet ship, and then it was my turn in the treacherous shower.
We called our parents on the landline in our room that evening, uncertain of when we would leave. The moment we hung up that phone, the saddest Irish ship captain in the history of sad Irish ship captains announced that the cruise had been cancelled. Then the phones went down.
This was back in the good ol' days when there were no cell phones, let alone smart phones and prolific laptops. I had to stand in line for over an hour to get to the computer lab to email my parents the unfortunate scoop: cruise cancelled and we are coming home the next day.
We are lucky that my parents got their money back and that for us, we took no vacation and did not make huge plans around our lives to make this happen. We felt awful for honeymooners, for the people who took time off of work to make this trip happen, and those poor recovering alcoholics who had to face the ultimate test of a fully open and unsupervised bar while trying to celebrate sobriety.
And so ended my first attempt at cruising. I've long waited for the day to report on a cruise that successfully left a dock and actually went somewhere other than the port. 20 years I've waited!
So how was my Alaskan cruise? I will tell you this: we did actually leave Vancouver on the cruise ship without incident. Stay tuned in the coming days for that report!
I so remember that cruise.
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