Skip to main content

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

Once upon a time, there was a young girl with her whole life ahead of her.  She dreamed about what she would be when she grew up.  An actress?  Writer?  Marine biologist? 

And what did she become by the time she grew up?

Who knows?  She is still waiting to grow up.

I find myself still unemployed, still battling my illness, still leaning out the window squinting into the far distance searching for meaning in this world.  Still searching for what I'm supposed to be when I grow up. 

It pains me to think of all the years I spent being something I really am not.  I should have kept the geology deal to a fervent hobby instead of a career.  While I don't wish to go back in time to change my life (because my life lead me to Gracie), I do wonder why I made the choices I made in life.  Why did I choose St. Norbert for math instead of Knox College for writing?  Why did I choose grad school instead of a lucrative entry level position with the USGS down in Florida?  Why did I choose UW-Milwaukee for my Masters in geology instead of Indiana State for acting?

The answer is hard to admit: because it was the easy way, the path of least resistance.  I chose St. Norbert because my brother went there and my aunt and uncle lived nearby.  I chose grad school over the USGS because I was scared of living so far away from my family.  I chose UW-Milwaukee because it was familiar and easy. 

Yet because these choices led me to Dave and Grace, I can't regret them.  But I can learn from them.

I don't want to be an environmental professional anymore if it means travelling.  I just don't.  So I'm not going to make that mistake again.

But where does that leave me?  With a desire to keep on writing, even when the content isn't the best.  As my husband put it, the world renown artists out there didn't become successful overnight.  The Edge of U2 didn't pick up a guitar one day and played like a god. 

I did want to become a writer once upon a time.  I wrote feverishly in my teens into my 20's, but I never finished anything.  I didn't get serious about it.  I turned down Knox College and their writing program for the easy way through life.

Now is my chance.

I spend my days sitting on my couch, punching the keyboard on my second book.  Some days I am uninspired and just stare at my dogs.  But I think what I need to remember is that I'm not going to become an overnight success.  I'm raw metal that needs to be molded and sharpened into a fine blade.  It will take time.  It will be hard. 

I'm not taking the easy way out this time.  I'm terrified, but I'm present.  So let's take the harder path this time, shall we?


Comments

  1. You got this, hard path or not, you got this!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are definitely not alone in feeling this...scary and sometimes painful growing up. Thanks for being my Inspiration sister!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Bullies

When you are in the moment, it is hard to imagine anything more heart wrenching than holding your child when she cries about being bullied.  What is more heart wrenching?  Knowing it is your fault. I've gone through life with my fair share of bullies.  Sometimes it was because I was flat out weird.  But most of the time it was my size.   Even when I wasn't even heavy, I considered myself fat and some of my peers agreed.  They agreed so vehemently that they decided to remind me of my size, especially during gym class.  Later in life, in my 30's, I was actually mooed at.  Seriously.  And it sucked being made fun of because of my looks. However.  One of the glorious parts of being 41 is that you just don't give a shart about what people think of you anymore.  Yes, I'm fat.  I have blue eyes, brown (going silver!) hair, and I am medically defined as being morbidly obese.  I try to remedy that diagnosis because...

No Longer Temporary

Chateau del Mulsoff (CDM) is pleased to announce a vacancy in our ranks.  As of June 11, The Mrs. will no longer be a temporary housewife.  Finally, after over a year of searching for full time, permanent work, we're happy to announce she has accepted a job with a local company to help out with their environmental compliance. We at CDM are excited for the opportunity to get Lori the heck out of the basement, where she's perpetually cold, rarely exchanges her pajamas for normal clothing, and wears glasses with only one lens.  You may have some burning questions, so CDM put together a F.A.Q. to meet your burning needs, so stop with all the burning.  There is a cream for that. 1. Where is she going? We will not be relocating, but she will have a 30 minute commute. 2. What exactly will she be doing? The details will become more clear, but as of right now we understand she will be the holder of the key of power for the universe, and has been going through a se...

Cruising Part 2: Vancouver

Let's start with our port city of Vancouver.  We had the best taxi driver who doubled as a tour guide, giving us the ultimate scoop on Vancity.  The place was just beautiful and green and reminded me a lot of good ol' Wisconsin but with slightly cooler architecture and way better weather.  Sure, it gets pretty gray and rainy during the winter, but with very mild winters and summers?  Sold. Well, not exactly.  Apparently you have to be in the 1% to live there.  Even small houses in the area are a million smackers. I took some pictures of this lovely city.  So buckle up!   Here is a wastebasket.  Why did I take a picture of a wastebasket?  Because they have a compost bin ATTACHED.  How forward thinking, Canada! This was a tasty Canadian beer.  It was some sort of a pale ale and I recall enjoying it very much. This is my daughter and MIL laughing together, which marked the beginning of a very good vacation wh...